BOOM!  I actually hit my goal one day early.  May I present a number I had never thought to see again...

Yes folks - you are reading that correctly - I weigh 218 pounds as of today, May 14, 2012.  All of that hard work has finally shown on the scale, and all of those morning doing cardio have resulted in me getting to say - MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!

The skinny - I cut way back on my drinking, stopped eating out so much, started exercising regularly, and gave myself some cheat days along the way - and now the pants that I was wearing then are about 10 inches too big in the waist.  Wow.

When I started out, I started writing on this blog just a way to motivate myself and keep on pushing.  I thought that if I was accountable to myself via the blog, then I would be certain to work hard to meet my goals.  I cannot say how much the blog helped, but I can say how fantastic it feels to be able to make this post on the blog.  I weight 218!!!  UNBELIEVABLE!

Well, I do not really have to say now, other than I am extremely happy and looking forward to continuing along the path towards my goals.  I know this is not a destination, but rather a change in lifestyle, so I know that the path to health is just like the path to wealth - gotta keep on, keeping on.  I plan on loosening up my diet a bit and not being quite so restrictive now that I am at 218.  I would like to build some more muscle and maintain a weight around 220 pounds, which seems like a good healthy weight for me at this height.

Hard to type right now - as all I really want to do is say I DID IT, I DID IT, I DID IT!  WOO HOO!

Two Days...

Well, it is two days until my goal date where I wanted to reach 220lbs by - honestly, I am not sure at this point if I am going to be able to hit it.  Yesterday I weighed less than I do today, and I really have no idea why.  My break-up has been interfering a bit with my goal orientation, and although I am working very hard still, my head/heart hasn't entirely been dedicated to working out and losing weight the way I should.

It has also been trying to build more of a pattern towards long term balance - it seems like everything around my social life involves either eating or drinking.  I am no different than anyone else, and I enjoy a burger or pizza just as much as anyone, so that makes it kind of tough to always be super dedicated and on target.  It has also been hard because I am in the middle of exams with school and stuff, so I have to be careful about my mental acuity and staying somewhat functional with all of that jazz.

I'm also happy with where I am - I am nowhere near the peak shape I envision for myself, but the difference in how I look is truly dramatic.  People comment on how athletic I look now, and I feel a lot better about myself and my appearance.  Although I picked 220 pounds as a goal, I think that how I look right now is healthy.  I think that 220 pounds is still a good goal, but the world won't end if I am only at 225 or so on May 15... then again, that sounds like defeatist talk to me and I am going to shoot for it just like I said I was.

It is amazing to me how easy it was to lose the first 20 or 30 pounds, and what a struggle the last few has been on my journey.  Ah well, regardless of anything, I have definitely lost weight and regained my health... but what I probably need to do is regain my wardrobe.  None of my pants or boxers fit right, and all of my shirts fit perfectly now, which makes for some very awkward looks indeed.

Two more days, two more days... then the rest of my life.

What? 225?!

I am truly depressed.  I am not handling the loss of my ex very well, and the break-up is really taking its toll on me.  I am not functioning very well in any area of life, with the exception of forcing myself to go the gym - although I have to say my work-outs are a bit lackluster and seemingly pointless.  The only thing that has really kept me going has been the goal of reaching 225 pounds.

So, imagine my surprise when I am moping around today when I actually looked at the description of this blog and realized that I actually had a goal of 220 pounds.  All of this time I have been shooting for that 225 pound mark, and all without realizing that my original goal wasn't actually that.  It was quite shocking, slightly demoralizing, and a little motivating.

Life is hard right now.  I am so sad and lethargic, and about the last thing that I really feel like doing is cooking anything or going to the gym - I mean, I barely can get out of bed, and I have no desire to go and work-out until I reach absolute exhaustion.  However, I suppose that there isn't much else for me to do - I'm struggling with my schoolwork, even though I know I have papers and exams in the next few days.  Yesterday, it was all I could do to even open a textbook and read a few pages - today is about the same.  I can't force myself to do any work, but yet I somehow make it to the gym for a little cardio.  Heck, I wonder sometimes if I don't go to the gym just in hopes of running into my ex - even though I dread running into her with her new boyfriend or whatever, at the same time I just desperately want to see her.  I suppose a part of me also wants her to see me, and see how good I look - which is ironic, since I feel nothing but old, ugly, and disgusting.

I am sad right now, but I am trying to take care of myself.  It is hard though because I am absolutely miserable.

When I started this blog, it was to motivate myself to lose weight and get healthy - and although I have lost weight, I think my mental health is in one of the worst places it has ever been.  I'm just trying to hang in there, take it one day at a time, and one meal at a time - but its hard.

I can definitely understand how people turn to fast food and such for comfort when they are down.  The mere act of cooking seems like an insurmountable obstacle, and it would be so much easier to just eat crap comfort food, enjoy the fat and sugar, and sit around and be sad.  Sigh.  Gotta keep pushing - what else is there to do?

It seems strange that my goal date is getting so close - May 15th is just around the corner, and I am really curious if I will be able to hit the 225 goal by then.  I mean, I am definitely getting in better shape - I may or may not have spent random moments flexing in front of the mirror and being rather impressed with all of the progress I have made...

Of course, I still have plenty of room for improvement, and it is actually kind of shocking to realize where I must have been when I started this journey to get back in shape.  I mean, I looked at the jeans I used to wear, and then marveled over the jeans that I am wearing now - the waist is 4 inches smaller on the ones I am wearing now, and I can pull them off without unfastening them.

Overall, my whole body is better, but I am having a problem with my thighs and butt.  That seems like a strange thing to say, but it is the truth.  I am running a little thick in there, due to a combination of stubborn fat and new muscle, so my clothes are having a little bit of trouble in that area.  I am trying to step up the cardio and leg training, but it is a double-edged sword to say the least.  If I work-out extremely hard the way I need to on leg day, then my legs (especially my hamstrings and glutes) stay sore for days, and then this in turn effects how much cardio I can do and at what pace.  I suppose it isn't the worst thing in the world, but it is also a bit frustrating.

Last night was pretty fun in terms of strength training - last night I was able to dips without assistance for the first time in about a year, which was pretty exciting.  My bench press is also getting stronger, which is the true male ego trip.  My incline presses are also getting better, and I military pressed 135 for the first time in a long time recently.

I am planning on weighing in on May 1 to see where I am at in terms of my goals, and then I will update the blog on how far off I am.  It is going to be a tough few weeks to really work-out hard and balance life, especially since I have exams and papers due.  It also isn't helping that emotionally, I am definitely not in the best place.  In some ways not having my ex around anymore gives me a lot more time and motivation to go the gym, but in terms of eating it definitely makes me crave some comfort food on occasion - ribs or grits anyone?

Emotional Turmoil and Eating

I'm not going to lie - today was a rough day for me because I am pretty upset about my relationship ending, but I still tried to do well with my eating.  I focused on preparing my meals in advance, and even gave myself a bit of a cheat meal this evening when I went to a social event.  I didn't go crazy there, and I used a small plate to control my portions, and in general it was just fine.  I had three small portions of different types of pasta, some white bread, and drank water.  Although I would have preferred a bit more protein, it wasn't the worst meal.  Plus, I also made sure that I worked out afterwards (leg night), so I didn't feel too terrible about a little extra starch and sugar prior to that work-out - I needed that fuel for the sweat-fest that I put myself through.

It was funny how hard it was for me to actually let myself go eat, and makes me realize that I do have some issues with moderation.  I have little difficulty staying on top of things exactly or going way off the diet, but it is the days of moderation or meals out that I have trouble with.  It is hard for me to say that one drink is okay, or one piece of cake, especially when I am so close to reaching my goals, but I am trying to let my mind ease a bit.  It is difficult to strike a balance because I am trying to be very aware of emotional eating, while at the same not letting controlling my diet fool me into thinking I am in control of my life in general.  The emotional turmoil definitely takes a toll.

It is also fairly amazing how well clothes that I have not worn in years fit - I keep trying on things or putting on clothes that either haven't fit for a while, or things that I have been wearing all the time, and I find myself shocked with both.  The clothes that I haven't been able to wear are suddenly perfect, and everything that I have been wearing for the last year is suddenly too large.  I have to say - I absolutely love it!

Another day down, and hopefully I'm a little closer to my goal.  No cardio this morning because of the leg workout tonight, but I have to say that it is going to be a tough session tomorrow after leg day.

Losing weight - yes. Getting healthy... not so much

The good news is, I have continued losing weight despite some very serious issues and adversity in the past weeks.  My dad was in the hospital, my niece was hurt, and a variety of other things happened, but I kept on going to the gym and watching what I ate (with a few exceptions here and there).  However, lately I've been dealing with an extremely difficult issue, and it is really effecting me in a variety of ways.  I am going through that profound grieving experience that accompanies loss - I am enduring a break-up.

Now, to be honest I broke up with her, and despite the shock and pain I am feeling today, I think it was the right move in the end.  She and I were not right for each other for a variety of reasons, and I really truly do realize this.  However, that said, I was blindsided because when she was yelling and screaming, crying and ranting, I was actually listening and I found compassion in my heart for her.  Instead of sticking with my guns, I decided to give her another chance.

Unfortunately, I didn't really check-in with her on whether she wanted another chance, and thus I found myself dealing with the terrible pain today of "THE END".  Personally, I had thought we had gotten back together, and so I was really excited to give it another try.  I still had some misgivings, but I know that relationships are like anything else in life, and you only get out of them what you put into them.  Sadly, she was only really willing to put a week in, and then she vanished.  Shortly thereafter, aka today, I found out there was another guy, and my sadness and hurt are bigger than my belly was at the beginning of this whole process.

On a positive note, despite my urge to lie in my bed and cry all day long, and despite my urge to eat candy and cookies and just cry away my misery all day as I hide in food... I have not given into that temptation.  I am still keeping my eyes firmly on the prize, and I am still dedicated to reaching my goal of 225 by May 15th.  The day that I do, I am going to happily post the picture on here and be proud of what I accomplished, despite everything that was going on at the time.

Outside of that trauma and drama, things are going okay.  I've been doing a better job shopping for food, and I have been watching past seasons of "The Biggest Loser" for both inspiration and to distract myself for a bit/maintain my sanity.  My clothes are fitting better, and I'm starting to fit into things that I haven't worn in recent memory.  Fitness-wise, the ankle is steadily getting better, and I actually walked on the treadmill for 107 minutes the other day - something I do not think that I have ever done in my life.

I'm really looking forward to hitting that 225 pound mark, and it will be especially sweet to know that I did so while dealing with all of this crap around me.  It's a really sad time in my life, and I am very upset and hurt, but sticking to my weight loss plan has been a nice island amidst the turmoil and chaos of the rest of my life.  One day at a time, just like losing weight... that's all I keep telling myself.

Post-March Update

Hard to believe I haven't posted since the end of February, but in truth life has been very, very difficult as of late.  I've been dealing with the stress of school, jobs, parental illness, and a ton of other things that just haven't been very conducive to keeping up with blogging.

However, all of that said, I did want to write that despite seemingly everything else in life going absolutely wrong, I have kept up my commitment to losing weight and getting healthy.  My target weight still remains 225 pounds, and I have continued to march steadfastly and resolutely towards that goal.

In fact, I believe working out has been the only thing that has really helped me to maintain my sanity through all of this.  The only thing in life that I seem to be able to rely on with any type of regularity has been the fact that my gym will be open at 5am and that it will close at 11pm.  Therefore, it seems to be the one thing in life that I feel any type of control over - the doors open, I go to the gym.  The doors close, I leave the gym.  If I fail to go, there is no one else to blame but myself, and that is helpful in the midst of so much turmoil.

My clothes are starting to fit great.  My jeans are very loose, and my t-shirts no longer stretch across my belly in an attempt to fit.  My energy levels, despite my general depressed state in life, are higher than they have been in a long time, and my ankles and other joints are starting to feel much, much better.  All in all, I am probably healthier than I have been in a long time, and I am actually excited about getting on the scale again in a few days.

Stay tuned!