I am truly depressed. I am not handling the loss of my ex very well, and the break-up is really taking its toll on me. I am not functioning very well in any area of life, with the exception of forcing myself to go the gym - although I have to say my work-outs are a bit lackluster and seemingly pointless. The only thing that has really kept me going has been the goal of reaching 225 pounds.
So, imagine my surprise when I am moping around today when I actually looked at the description of this blog and realized that I actually had a goal of 220 pounds. All of this time I have been shooting for that 225 pound mark, and all without realizing that my original goal wasn't actually that. It was quite shocking, slightly demoralizing, and a little motivating.
Life is hard right now. I am so sad and lethargic, and about the last thing that I really feel like doing is cooking anything or going to the gym - I mean, I barely can get out of bed, and I have no desire to go and work-out until I reach absolute exhaustion. However, I suppose that there isn't much else for me to do - I'm struggling with my schoolwork, even though I know I have papers and exams in the next few days. Yesterday, it was all I could do to even open a textbook and read a few pages - today is about the same. I can't force myself to do any work, but yet I somehow make it to the gym for a little cardio. Heck, I wonder sometimes if I don't go to the gym just in hopes of running into my ex - even though I dread running into her with her new boyfriend or whatever, at the same time I just desperately want to see her. I suppose a part of me also wants her to see me, and see how good I look - which is ironic, since I feel nothing but old, ugly, and disgusting.
I am sad right now, but I am trying to take care of myself. It is hard though because I am absolutely miserable.
When I started this blog, it was to motivate myself to lose weight and get healthy - and although I have lost weight, I think my mental health is in one of the worst places it has ever been. I'm just trying to hang in there, take it one day at a time, and one meal at a time - but its hard.
I can definitely understand how people turn to fast food and such for comfort when they are down. The mere act of cooking seems like an insurmountable obstacle, and it would be so much easier to just eat crap comfort food, enjoy the fat and sugar, and sit around and be sad. Sigh. Gotta keep pushing - what else is there to do?
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